I look a lot older than I really am
My life is a conclusion
and my birth was the end.
Even though I'm changing,
I'll always be the same
a life of discovery
Is what really aim
teenage years of recovery
and the college years of shame
why can't my thoughts just last forever?
when i'm the person I am, articulate and whatever
I'm a bright light, among a sea of dim
I act on impulse, compassion, and whim
somehow, my conscious doesn't thin
when all these things are swimming within
my head so empty but yet so full
some ideas never grow old
but everyday I dissipate
just a little.
Haven't written in a long time
my thoughts to wavering
I'm so unsure of everything.
to speak up.
That I've become the very person I hate
but when I wake up
I feel the same.
But I know I'm not.
I know things about myself That no one else knows,
but people know things about me that I can never know.
I feel things that no one can understand.
and my friends deal with me everyday.
but I just want to get out of highschool
the stupidest idea ever; highschool
a facility full of changing people
who don't even know who the are,
so they harshly judge the ones around them.
I hate it
and I can't wait until
until its over
and I can do anything.
but you know that you aren't really here.
You're somewhere else dear.
That place that you always avoid
but yet always end up here.
The place where you plan everything
that really means nothing
nothing of youth
You miss the days of being aloof
When you could think clearly of anything you wanted
of human instinct getting in the way
You love it, this place
all feelings opake
Your mind out of pace
a clock on the face
the face of the world
the world we face
The new human race.
Well. I am doing well. Things are happening around me and I am doing nothing. I feel separate from the world. People's eyes pass over me, judging me, implicating me. I hate it. I want to be done with school and have time to do whatever I want, but that is out of the question. My life seems like something meaningless. I have no Idea what my future holds. This intrigues me, but scares me as well. I am lost in my future, and disturbed by my past. All I want is someone I love. But there is no one.
The days are regular. This year is regular. And every day will probably be regular then more regular. Regular. so that everyday will still be regular. Just regular enough to be special I hope.
She. Me. Us. Never going to happen. Although, everyday I wish it. I can't tell if she even knows who I am. I'm not saddened by this, just scared by the idea. It's like I don't want to go outside of my comfort zone. But, if I don't, nothing at all will happen. Nothing. Nothing or something bad… It's risky, talking to her, interacting with someone I have no way to gage the feelings of. Someone I don't even know, but don't want to take the risk of knowing for fear of ruining the one and only chance of love I have. Atleast with her. I could try to love almost any other girl, and have more of a chance of success, but I don't know. There's just something about this night.
I dunno. After HER, there's this empty void in my mind. Something that can't be filled as easily as my urge to run, or my need to raise my grades. It's like I'm not myself… or maybe i'm my new self. I surely hope not. Change is scary, although I yearn for the change in my love life. I no way do I mean to re-date HER. That is not what I mean to say. I need someone more mature, and far more beautiful then her. That person I'm hoping is the person I describe in previous paragraphs. I feel that I might be hoping a bit too much, but there is really nothing I feel comfortable doing other than that.
What is love really? I mean, is it just a need for a more personal human relations? Or is it something not to be pondered? My brain is sore, but my heart is scarred. I yearn for the day when I can speak my feelings aloud with someone other than my best friend. But, not knowing when that day is, I act as if each day will end what I know to be regular.