Post Title. 04/30/2012
 
Haven't written in a long time
my thoughts to wavering 
I'm so unsure of everything.
So indifferent 
to speak up.
to distracted 
to notice
That I've become the very person I hate
but when I wake up
I feel the same.
But I know I'm not.
I know things about myself That no one else knows,
but people know things about me that I can never know.
I feel things that no one can understand.
and my friends deal with me everyday.
but I just want to get out of highschool
the stupidest idea ever; highschool
a facility full of changing people
who don't even know who the are,
so they harshly judge the ones around them.
I hate it
and I can't wait until 
until its over
and I can do anything.

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Hiding behind
What does it mean?
Means that I'm some dude
no one's ever seen
meet, heard of, or even F****** dreamed
I guess that now I'm not me..
that's kinda obscene 
don't you know me?
In the bigger picture,
Can you not see?
I'm a blank, invisible
no-bo-dy
a person of interest
not really.
swimming like a salmon
going upstream 

Now I gotta come out
from hiding with my mouth
big and blabbery 
nothing good but shouts
felling sorry
not for someone else
for once, it's myself
feeling guilty about the 12th
but it really doesn't help
I am over this
It's just I got this twitch
flash of thought
that I'd wish
would go away
far away unmissed
ridding on the back
of a trailer hitch
in the ocean
into the abyss 
from sadness and alone
now melting into stone
I feel like a fish
through my stomach
and my bones
I know I'm almost home
I'm owned
by my feelings in a river
with fisherman throwing stones
like it was nothing
well actually
you're interrupting something
find another man
to give a shuffling and bustling 
I just wish
I could forget
the shop lifting and hustling
man, that was yesterday,
Now I'm the king
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When I think
I'm ashamed
I blink when
I'm to blame
such love 
turned to hate.
in, oh so much haste
paste
on a paper
I can tatse it
I really hate her 
My teenage angst 
an instigator 
I even paid her
I f****** made her
mine
that's right 
but she denied my life
its alright
no love at first sight
the mistake was mine
honest and kind
I was to young to take my time
when thinking for
down the line.

Now it's time to move on
but how can I
when I was so wrong
for the longest of long
times of my life
not the time of stong
more like the times that stung
now you're asking what's wrong?
man, you missed your turn.
no one else to turn
to for help
I'm truly alone
I'm done.


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but you know that you aren't really here.
You're somewhere else dear.
That place that you always avoid
but yet always end up here.
The place where you plan everything
that really means nothing
nothing of youth
You miss the days of being aloof
When you could think clearly of anything you wanted
without proof 
of human instinct getting in the way
You love it, this place
all feelings opake 
Your mind out of pace
a clock on the face
the face of the world
the world we face
together
by ourselves.
The new human race.
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Post Title. 01/26/2012
 
Well. I am doing well. Things are happening around me and I am doing nothing. I feel separate from the world. People's eyes pass over me, judging me, implicating me. I hate it. I want to be done with school and have time to do whatever I want, but that is out of the question. My life seems like something meaningless. I have no Idea what my future holds. This intrigues me, but scares me as well. I am lost in my future, and disturbed by my past. All I want is someone I love. But there is no one.
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Regularly. 12/19/2011
 
The days are regular. This year is regular. And every day will probably be regular then more regular. Regular. so that everyday will still be regular. Just regular enough to be special I hope.

She. Me. Us. Never going to happen. Although, everyday I wish it. I can't tell if she even knows who I am. I'm not saddened by this, just scared by the idea. It's like I don't want to go outside of my comfort zone. But, if I don't, nothing at all will happen. Nothing. Nothing or something bad… It's risky, talking to her, interacting with someone I have no way to gage the feelings of. Someone I don't even know, but don't want to take the risk of knowing for fear of ruining the one and only chance of love I have. Atleast with her. I could try to love almost any other girl, and have more of a chance of success, but I don't know. There's just something about this night.

I dunno. After HER, there's this empty void in my mind. Something that can't be filled as easily as my urge to run, or my need to raise my grades. It's like I'm not myself… or maybe i'm my new self. I surely hope not. Change is scary, although I yearn for the change in my love life. I no way do I mean to re-date HER. That is not what I mean to say. I need someone more mature, and far more beautiful then her. That person I'm hoping is the person I describe in previous paragraphs. I feel that I might be hoping a bit too much, but there is really nothing I feel comfortable doing other than that.

What is love really? I mean, is it just a need for a more personal human relations? Or is it something not to be pondered? My brain is sore, but my heart is scarred. I yearn for the day when I can speak my feelings aloud with someone other than my best friend. But, not knowing when that day is, I act as if each day will end what I know to be regular.

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